


Perfect Fifty

by DivineVarod



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: 50th, Anxiety, Birthday, Established Relationship, Fluff, Love, Lovers, M/M, Misunderstandings, Romantic Fluff, Self Confidence Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-09
Updated: 2016-04-09
Packaged: 2018-05-31 07:11:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6460744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineVarod/pseuds/DivineVarod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lister turns fifty, and it was the best day he'd had in years. – Or at least it could have been if Rimmer had been there. How could his partner have just gone off like that?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Perfect Fifty

“Good morning Listy, happy birthday.” Was the first thing Dave Lister heard when waking up.  
  
He immediately remembered:

 _Fifty!!_ He was turning fifty – and he was still living the same life in space he'd led since he was twenty.

Well … maybe not exactly the same, he thought, when Arnold J. Rimmer kissed him.

If someone had told him thirty years ago that he'd fall in love and grow old with his annoying bunkmate he'd have laughed in their face. Now he couldn't imagine being with anyone else.

“Thank you Arn.” Lister smiled at him.

“Hope you'll have a wonderful day.” Rimmer smiled back. Oddly Lister thought he could see a flicker of sadness in his partners eyes for a second.

“I love you.” Rimmer said softly.

\---

When he came out of the shower Rimmer was gone, replaced by Kryten who served him a lavish breakfast.

“Welcome to your special day sir!!” The Android chirped.

“Thanks, Kryters!” Lister smiled, silently wondering where Rimmer was, as the table was set for one. Then he saw a note by his plate.

 _Enjoy your day. All my love  
_ _AX_

Lister smiled, but he didn't really understand why Arnold would leave a note instead of having breakfast with him. Especially such a huge breakfast!!  
  
The breakfast consisted of every morning snack Lister liked – it was beyond perfect.

\---

In fact: everything about the day was perfect. Lunch, gifts, music. Cat and Kryten had got him the perfect gifts.  
They even had guests over: Hogey the Roguey came with his family and so did a lot of the droid and GELF mates Lister had made over the years. But Rimmer was still gone.  
Despite enjoying himself Lister missed his partner. He looked for him whenever he had the chance.

\---

Dinner was a joy: all the food Lister loved with added chunky cheesy chips. The meal of his dreams. The Red Dwarf Canteen was decorated for Christmas and scenes from _It's A Wonderful Life_ played on giant screens. It was Lister paradise.

Then the cake: chocolate cake. A giant beautiful perfect chocolate cake with a lovingly crafted marzipan 50 on top.  
  
Lister felt a pull: chocolate cake reminded him of Arnold, it was what had brought them together. Why was the smegger not here?

\---

A disco in Parrot's Bar with a giant buffet. All his favourite music in the right order.  
  
It was perfect, maybe too perfect to be a coincidence.  
  
Something suddenly sat not right with Lister: at first he had thought Kryten had organised the day, but there was no way the Android could know him that well.  
  
A memory returned: A few years ago, when he and Rimmer were in bed together he'd told him about his ideal birthday party. This was as close to it as humanly possible, almost identical to the letter.  
  
But how could Kryten know all this? Had he watched the tape or something?  
  
And where was his partner?  
  
\---

“Kryten, you've avoided the answer all day! Where's me smegging Rimmer gone?”

“Sir ...”

“Look, it's a great party you've thrown me.”

As he expected, Kryten looked guilty.

“But I thought Rimmer would care about his partner turning fifty …”

Guilt chip in overdrive the Android broke easily.

“Oh, but he does, sir!! He's been working on nothing else for the last six weeks!”

That Lister hadn't expected.

“What?”

“He thought up the menus, the drinks, the guest-list, the playlist, the decorations, the movies. He designed the invites, got the gifts we gave you and the cake … he baked it sir.”

Lister felt warm and fuzzy hearing all this. Now he understood why Rimmer had seemed so secretive and distracted the last few weeks. But he also felt confused.

“But … Kryters … If Rimmer did all this … why isn't he here? I want him here.”

“You … you do sir?” Kryten looked stunned.

“Of course I do he's me smegging … husband!” Lister was surprised hearing himself say that last word, but it sounded good.

“Oh, the one thing he did not anticipate then, sir. He thought you'd enjoy it more without him … and we agreed.”

“He thought ... and you said? SMEG!!"  
  
An irate Scouser stormed out of the party.

\---

Lister found Rimmer in their old bunkroom, reading.

“What the smeg were you thinking?”

Rimmer flinched and looked up in surprise.

“Listy …? Is something wrong with your party?”

“Yes, you're not there!”

“I thought you'd prefer it.”

“Wha? You though I'd prefer turning fifty without me partner?”

“Well, I'd only spoil it for you. I always do.”

Rimmer looked so sad that Lister's anger faded immediately and he sat himself on the edge of the bunk. How could Rimmer have such low self esteem he'd exclude himself from a party he'd spent weeks preparing? He swore he would kill the Cat and Kryten for encouraging him in this.

“What are you talking about, you fruitloop?”

“It was my present for you Listy: a peaceful, happy perfect birthday without me and my mind ruining it.”

Lister sighed; so that was the problem. Rimmer had always felt embarrassed about his anxiety disorder and the intrusive thoughts that sometimes gave him panic attacks. He had obviously thought he'd spoil his birthday if it would happen at the party. If only the man understood that he meant more to him than any birthday party ever could.

“Great gift Arn, but could I trade it?”

“I got it wrong again, didn't I? I always get these things wrong.”

Lister put his hand on his partners thigh.

“Everything was perfect, luv, it just needed you. I love you _and_ your smegging mind.”

Rimmer blinked at him.

“I also missed your yearly birthday dinner toast.”

“You … you did? But … I thought you guys were always annoyed with me doing those speeches and not dancing, getting drunk after two glasses, annoying the guests … Last year I had that panic attack. I didn't want to ruin this birthday as it's such an important one. I just wanted you to enjoy yourself.”  
  
Lister moved closer to Rimmer and put his hand on his cheek while looking in his eyes.

“No, no!! I love those speeches because they're from you. I missed them today. You're not getting panic attacks on purpose and I want to be there for you if you get them. So what if you get drunk, that's the idea of a party. Arnold, I don't know what weird ideas Kryten and the Cat have been putting in your head, but you're more important to me than any of that smeg."

Rimmer sat up and wrapped himself against Lister.

“I missed you.” He whispered.

“Missed you too. Come to the party Arnold. It's no fun without you. You smegging arranged everything and you weren't even there to enjoy it. It doesn't matter if ya can't dance.”

Rimmer looked at him in surprise.

“I can dance …”

“'Scuse me?”

“Well, I can. Just not to “that” sort of music. I was trained in classical ballroom, part of my 'gentleman education'. The only thing I was forced to do by my parents and enjoyed. I won a prize for it.”

“Why don't I know this?”

“I could have turned pro, but then my father made me give it up. It was turning me into a 'Nancy boy' he said. I had to focus on my studies not 'twirl around like some poof”.”

He fell silent, then looked at Lister.

“Sorry … talking about me again. It's your day.”

“I don't mind, Arnold. I never knew you were IO's answer to Billy Elliot ..."  
  
Rimmer sniggered softly, Lister rubbed his back.  
  
"Do you want to come to the party now?”

“Can we … go to the buffet first?” Rimmer asked in a tiny voice.

“Sure, why?”

“I'm starving.”

“What?” Lister looked at his Hologram and shook his head. “Oh Arnie, why are you always making stuff so hard for yourself, man? Bet you haven't eaten all day?”

Rimmer nodded.

“Where've ya been all day anyway?”

“The Diesel Decks first, then the Drive Room. I watched some of your party on the screens. You looked happy …”

Lister looked at Rimmer and shook his head. Would he never learn?

“So you're giving me a perfect party and yourself a crap day? Why do you keep doing this Arn? You're allowed to be happy too, you know. I want both of us to be happy.”

“Ever since Better than Life and that Psi moon I've been afraid of ruining things. Now I'm afraid of ruining things and losing you.”

Lister pulled Rimmer closer to him and kissed him.

“Not gonna happen. We've been through too much together. It's time to allow yourself to feel safe. To let some joy in, okay?”

Rimmer wrapped his arms around Lister.

“I love you, Listy.”

Lister kissed his forehead then smiled at him.

“Better get you something to eat, eh, smeghead?

\---  
  
As Rimmer dressed, Lister badgered Kryten into making a fresh plate of cheesy chips for Rimmer, knowing the Hologram loved them as much as he did. He also made a platter of all the snacks at the buffet Rimmer liked as a side dish.

After the hungry Hologram had finished his meal Lister took him to the party that seemed in no hurry of ending any time soon.

\---

When they entered Kryten turned of the music at a signal from Lister. Rimmer looked surprised.

“Guys, this is Arnold Rimmer. Me partner. He organised this whole shebang. He always holds a speech at these things, but hasn't got one this year. I have, though.”

Rimmer stared at Lister in nervous confusion.

“Arnold, I've known you for longer than I've known anyone, ever. You've been my life for centuries. You're my past, my present and my future. I want you to know that I love you and always will. If I could I'd marry ya, but since there are no priests left in the universe I just want to ask you: shall we call each other husbands?”

Silence.

For a few seconds Rimmer was shaking. Then, as tears filled his eyes, he threw himself in Lister's arms.

“Yes, yes Listy!”

Kryten wiped a tear away, looking at the couple, the crowd cheered.

Then the party continued.

\---

“Thank you for a perfect birthday, Husband.” Lister whispered in Rimmer's ear as the party was nearing it's end. “But you left one thing of the list.”

“I did? What was it?”

“A dance with a stupid but adorable Hologram.”

As _Moon River_ started playing Lister grabbed Rimmer's hand and dragged him to the dance-floor. There Lister melted in Rimmer's arms as the Hologram led him in a waltz.

“Saved you a bit of cake.” Lister mumbled while they danced.

“Thank you.”

“It's your own smegging cake, you idiot.”

**Author's Note:**

> Writing this love story backwards, the chocolate cake will be explained.


End file.
